Filed under: Uncategorized
So, it seems I’m slowly feeling like myself again. Going out and getting a little crazy and basically having a good time. Friday night I went for Mexican, got something pierced, and then went roller skating! So fun! The piercing is something I used to have done but the soon to be ex-husband hated it and I took it out. He sucks! After all that fun I went to a bar and net my cousin and one if her friends. She was there with her ex-husband as well so I had to go be her backup haha. The next day me and the same cousin went to lunch. After lunch was shopping and eyebrow waxes. That night we went to Arrow. It’s a male strip club!! Only one in TN. Aside from the cover charge I only spent $1 lol. Didn’t plan to spend that one but my cousin handed it to me because some guy had walked up and started dancing on me and I guess she felt he needed a little something! Pretty fun weekend.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Well, I did it. On May 1st I kicked out Brady. Things have steadily gotten better. I planned to do it at the end of May, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I was going to wait so that the school year could end, baseball and softball would be done, and Chloe would be finished with dance. It just didn’t work that way!! My last post was April 25th and you could tell just how over it I was. On April 30th, a Friday, Brady and I went out separately which never happens. He said he was going to the movies with a coworker and did invite me, but there was no way in hell I was going to do that. I went and saw Vanessa instead. Missed her! She could tell how miserable I will. Told me I just wasn’t myself. I ended up staying at her house until around midnight. I figured Brady would be home and pissed off that I wasn’t there. Nope! I got home and he was nowhere to be found. I heard him come in around 1am and get on the couch, but he never spoke to me. The next morning I got up early because it was the paper show for the Shriner’s and I wanted to meet my family at the lodge for the pancakes and to help out. It was raining. Pouring actually! This was the beginning of the Nashville floods. He was an ass when I left for the lodge. I wasn’t gone too long because we couldn’t really do the paper sale because of the rain. When I got back home we got into a HUGE fight. I don’t really remember why. I think it had something to do with the fact that he was still asleep at 10:30. There was something he was supposed to do, but honestly can no longer remember what it is. I launched into a rant about how much I couldn’t stand him. He yelled and told me to do something about it. Daring me. So I did. I told him to get the fuck out. Immediately! He argued that I had to let him stay until he found another place. I told him he was insane. Anyway, lots of screaming and such and then he left. He’s been gone since! I went to my sister’s the next morning because my street was starting to flood and I didn’t want to be stuck here. He did contact me that Sunday and I told him the road was flooding and he couldn’t get home. By Thursday I changed the locks. The month of May sucked because I was coaching Chloe’s softball team and BJ and Mason were on the same baseball team. Also, Chloe had dance. It was all worked out mostly between myself and his ex wife Jenny. She and I have actually gotten really close because of this. She is currently going for custody again and I really hope she gets it. She needs those kids and they need her. Brady sucks. He signed the divorce papers pretty easily and it is supposed to be final on September 27th. 48 more days!!! Also, I got a new job. I’m on my second week so far. I like it I guess. The pay is not that great. Also, it’s really easy. I know that sounds like a good thing but I’m pretty bored. Feeling kind of unfulfilled. I’m just thrilled to have work though. Things are falling together. I have a new job with great benefits. I’ll soon be divorced. I have an AMAZING 11 year old. Things are actually pretty good. Sooooo, that was a pretty big update. Maybe I’ll get back here before another 3.5 months? Oh! Completely off the antidepressants! yay me! Once the crazy husband was gone I no longer needed. Yay! So now I’m just taking the birth control pills and the vitamins. Both of which I pretty much forget all the flippin’ time. Took two birth control pills a couple of hours ago. I need that head slapping smiley!! Also, I’ve lost about 25 pounds and lowered my cholesterol 33 points. Yay me! Now! I need to get down 75 more points and lose another 20 to 40 pounds. Big range huh? We’ll just see how motivated I am I guess. 20 would make me very happy. If I wanted to go for 50 I could be high school size, lol. I think that’s a little ambitious. Wonder if any of you still check this? Probably not but I don’t blame you. It’s been months! Sorry!
Filed under: just life
19 days. It could be worse. So that day that I last posted I talked about being overwhelmed and having practice at 5 and all that and wondering if Brady would get home before then. The short answer is NO! Long answer? Around 5:30 he called and waned to know what I was doing and I told him that we were all at practice. I ask when he got home to which he replied he wasn’t home yet. He was at his mom’s house. I told him that must be nice! He was all what does that mean and I told him (nicely! I swear!) that I would just really appreciate some help with ball. He tried to say he wouldn’t have been able to get them there on time anyway. I told him that yes he could. We went back and forth a few times and then I said yeah if you come straight home from work you have plenty of time. He gets pissed and says why should he rush home from work to take them to practice because what have I been doing all day anyway?? I told him fuck off and hung up. I then texted him and told him I’d done EVERYTHING that day. Same as everyday. If it gets done I do it except for stuff with his stupid dog and cutting the grass and taking out the trash. Those are the things he does and the grass cutting just started maybe 4 weeks ago so when we had that conversation he had cut the grass maybe once this year if that. He texts me back that he thinks that is funny. Then he texts me that poor me I have it so bad. Of course later that night when we’re all home he is in bed sleeping and ignoring me so I cooked dinner for the kids and just ignored him. He texts the next day wanting to know what time the baseball game was. Even though I didn’t want to I told him. He tried texting me some more but I ignored him and he replied that he guesses I’ll be in an ill mood that night. Damn right. We ignored each other that night, too. The next day he called me complaining about the person he took the lawn mower to a few days before. So NO actually he’d not yet cut the grass because it was getting fixed where he broke it in the fall. He mentions taking it somewhere else and I really don’t care. So around noon I’m in the bedroom in just a towel laying on bed watching tv. No one was home so I hadn’t gotten dressed after my shower. He shows up. Scares me to death when I hear someone open the front door! I ask him what he was doing home and the fight began. I basically told him I hated him and he was a useless husband and crappy father that ignores his kids and has me do everything but then doesn’t want me even making decisions about them. We’ve pretty much been fighting for almost 3 weeks. I was telling Danielle about this and she ask me what I did like about him and I couldn’t come up with anything. I still can’t. Geez. I swear I could type for hours. There’s so much to say. I’m just starting to wonder (again) what the hell I was thinking when I married him. It’s a regret. We attempted to talk a few nights ago and that was brought up. He said that hurts him to know but it is the truth. I want out. I’m not going to be impulsive about this. I want to make sure I’m making the right decision. I’m sick of it though. Unless we avoid any heavy conversation we fight. We get along when we just discuss our day and monotonous crap like that. anything to do with our relationship and where it’s going ends up in a fight. When past things are brought up because he has yet to resolve things with me it turns into a fight. If his ex wife is brought up it is a HUGE fight. It just feels like 1 1/2 years of anger and resentment are coming out. He says he doesn’t understand because I was happy a month ago. I guess overall I was. Didn’t have to work. (even though that wasn’t a choice) Can pick up t he kids from school and keep my house clean and go to the gym regularly and things I enjoy doing and I love ball season so that helps. But when I looked at the big picture, this is not the life I want. I feel like I’ve wasted two years. He’s just irresponsible. Last Sunday I was gone most of the day. I went to visitation at the funeral home here (yes. another death.) and then hung out with my sister. I decided on purpose to not go home until after 6pm because that is the time his ex wife brings home his kids. I just wondered if he could handle a simple task. A few minutes after 6 the phone rang! She was at our house with the kids and they were pounding on the door. No answer! The truck and motorcycle were there which meant he was in the back of the house with the TV and the stupid fan on sleeping. He lost his phone the night before so the service was suspended at that time so she called me not knowing what to do. I offered to come home but she said she’d just drop them to me at my sister’s because it was on the way to where she was going. I waited till 7 to go home with HIS kids. Hoping he was wondering where they were. I get there and he’s not even home. He’d went to taco bell. Didn’t even know what had happened. I tell him that he was sleeping good and his kids were pounding on the door and couldn’t get in. He seemed irritated then because he looked bad I’m sure. He said he was sleeping but he thought I’d be home by then. Blaming me for his screw up. Always an excuse. Always someone else’s fault. Never takes responsibility for anything. He took Chloe to a birthday party today. He didn’t want to, but I told him if he didn’t take her she didn’t get to go because I wasn’t doing it. It’s time to get my life back. I feel bad for his kids but I can’t be unhappy to make them happy. They have two parents and that is their job.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I know. I sort of do this to myself. Of course I expected my husband to be more helpful during ball season. We had a softball game last night (Monday). It was Chloe’s first game and I have to go to softball games because I help coach. Mason was at his dad’s and he was going to be at cub scouts. BJ had scouts we thought so Brady was taking him. So, just me and Chloe sounded doable. Turns out scouts were put off until tonight (Tuesday) so Brady and BJ did show up to the game for a while. Tonight (Tuesday) we are supposed to have baseball practice at 5pm. The practice is going to be behind the tennis courts which means we don’t have to wrap up at any certain time so the coach will likely keep us there for two hours or longer. It’s usually about 7:15 when he wraps up those practices. Both boys are on that team. BJ is supposed to have cub scouts, too so not sure what we’ll do about that. We skip scouts for games, but this team seriously practices 3 times a week or more if they can so we don’t worry about an occasional missed practice. I think They’ve probably had at least 15 practices in the last month or so. The softball team has had 3 practices and two scrimmages. That’s it! That’s more normal but whatever. All three kids are home tonight. Brady won’t get home until almost 5. He could get here around 4:40 but he usually drags and I think he does it on purpose sometimes. Like tonight I’m betting he will wait till later hoping that I had already left for practice with all the kids and then he’ll come home and decide that it is pointless for him to be at practice, too, so he’ll be at home alone. He’ll make dinner (maybe) if I ask. He’s been to only 2 practices and did come and relieve me from one because I had to get to the other field for a practice so he was at practice maybe 15 minutes that night. Then tomorrow (wednesday) we have a make up baseball game at 6. The coaches want the kids ther at 5:15 to practice for 45 minutes before the hour and a half game. We’re not going that early. Thirsday is a 6pm baseball game and the coaches want the kids there at 5:15. Friday night we have a softball game at 6pm and we will need to be about 15 or 20 minutes early. Saturday both teams have a game at 1:15. I HAVE to be at the softball game to be in the dugout so I can’t go to the baseball game. There are only 4 games out of around 20 that are at the same time so not so bad. So, I need to have kids at two different places at the same time. I have a feeling Brady is not going to want to go to either game because it would be cutting it too close getting to the racetrack. Games wouldn’t be over until around 2:45 and the racetrack gates open at 3 and he wants to be there at the beginning to get enout time trials and blah blah blah. He drag races. He’ll probably go even if he has to be a little late. He doesn’t get home till after midnight when he goes to the racetrack. So after all the time at the park juggling the three kids at two games (luckily the two boys are on the same team) then I will go home and be with them alone. I need some help. If I ask I think he will begrudgingly do it, but why the hell do I have to ask?? Does he think that since I’m not working I can do 50 things at once at night?
Filed under: just life
Soooo, it’s been a week. Not to bad for a novice blogger. I’m feeling much, much better. This is day seven of the wellbutrin and it is helping immensely. One fun side effect is weight loss. Nice considering a side effect of the other med I was on was weight gain. I’ve lost 4 pounds. 50 more to go. At least 30. 50 would be great. 70 would be back to high school weight. Baby steps! I don’t think I want high school weight anyway. My doctor’s office called and I got the bad number I was expecting with my cholesterol. It’s 306. I know! Horrible! Last summer when it was checked it was 308. I immediately quit smoking. I knew my body didn’t need both of those. Last summer’s number was at a place called Life Signs that only does physicals. Cool place. Because of that my doctor’s office did not know about the bad number until I confessed. Then I still waited 3 more months after telling them to get it rechecked. Soo, my doctor has given me three months to lose some weight and get this cholesterol at least somewhat lower. If I’ve made no progress she said she’s putting me on a med and I don’t want that! Starting Monday I guess I’ll start using my gym membership. This week I was babysitting a 4-year-old during the day so that kind of made it impossible. Monday it is. I *must* stick to this. Time to get healthy! At least healthier.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I’d like a redo on this entire week. Actually, just as I was typing that an ice cream man pulled onto our street. This is about the second time this has happened in the 11 years I’ve lived here. I got excited and told the kids. They ran outside to stop him. In their excitement the front door was left open and the dumbass dog ran outside. Ugh. Then we had to chase him down the damn street. So. Pissed. Off. The kids are all YAY ice cream. and I’m like this blows and I just had to drag the dog out of an old lady’s yard and into the car and he slobbered on my coupon binder! Yeah, so that wasn’t even what I was going to talk about when I first started this. I’ve been with my family alot this week. Funerals and visitation are AWFUL but it seems I’m a pro at this. This makes funeral #5 in the last three years. That’s just family members. I also attended some of others I knew. So this proved to be an extremely difficult time to try and get off antidepressants. Especially ones that my body had apprently become dependent on. This morning I went to the dr and got my blood drawn so they can do a recheck of my cholesterol. I got it checked once before and it was 308. It was at a place that just gives physicals and that place opted against meds for me. I know! That’s a crazy high number. So I got that done. The dr office I go to fo that kind of stuff is also the place where my cousin works. My cousin that just lost her father. She was obviously not there. Pretty much everyone from her dr office was at the funeral. My cousin in 39. Right after high school she went to school to me a medical assistant and her first job after was with these same doctors. Only place she’s worked! When her mother died they shut down the dr office so everyone could come. They did the same this week for her daddy. Just typing it makes me cry because that is the sweetest thing ever. My old employer got annoyed that I was at ANOTHER funeral back in October. Good thing I no longer work there because it probably would have gotten ugly with me taking off again this week for another funeral. So anyway since I was at the doctor anyway I ask if I could be seen. I got there right as they opened and they weren’t busy so they got me right back. When the dr got in the room I was just sitting there crying. She didn’t realize I was a relative. Once she found out she understood why I was just crying. She was awesome. I was there 45 minutes. Drs never seem to have that much time. We talked about my attempt to quit pexeva. She said she had tried paxil once and it was awful. She also said given my current state today and all that has happened with the family both recently and just this week she didn’t thikn quittings meds all together at this time was the best choice for me. I agreed. But I told her i wasn’t taking the stuff i was on anymore! I’m back on Welbutrin. The generic of it but I don’t remember the name of it. It works differently than an SSRI (which for those non crazies out there means selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor). I took it when I was younger and it worked quite well. I also know that if/when I stop taking it I will not have these same issues of withdrawal. I came home and threw my Pexeva in the trash. Also, Wellbutrin is fine to take during pregnancy. SOme doctors may have you ween during the 3rd trimester but otherwise it is ok. So if we decide to go down that road I will not have to worry about the meds. I just wish my family was not dealing with this. My mom is a total wreck as to be expected. She’s still not over her parents loss and that was about two years ago. She was executor of the estate and her sister and other brother sued her and the brother that just died. Other sis and bro felt my mom and this brother shouldn’t get ANYTHING. My grandparents wills had it split equally 4 ways. Other sis and other bro LOST! That drug on for like a year. It was settled last fall. Then my aunt died and brought all the memories back for her. Then 5 months later her brother dies. I convinced her to see a therapist next week. I hope it helps. I’m also so concerned about my dad. I’m sure that had to be so traumatic and he was of course so upset that he couldn’t save him. Turns out my uncle was already dead when my dad got there. He arrived 13 min after my uncle called him. He called 911 but neither he nor the paramedics could revive him. They think it was a pulmonary embollism and for the most part if you have that and the clot breaks loose you just die. I’m still worried about my daddy though. He’s taking it hard. I’m also sick of crying. I told the dr I feel like I just can’t breathe. It’s tha anxiety.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I just had the most horrible night. I am still too upset/drained/shocked to get into to many details. My uncle died a few hours ago. It was a complete shock. My aunt/his wife died 5 months ago on 10/23/09. He called my dad and told him he wasn’t feeling well and could he come over and take him to the doctor. My dad got there 13 minutes later and my uncle was in such bad shape my dad immediately called 911 and started administering CPR. He didn’t make it.
Filed under: just life
I need a sign that says that today. I’m feeling my emotions come back. Didn’t realize they were gone. This morning 7th Heaven made me cry. Right now I’m cranky and keep snapping at one of the kids. In my defense he’s basically doing whatever the hell he feels like after being told not to do something. I cannot stand that. You are a child and SORRY but this house is not a democracy. You do as you’re told. Period. My sister called me Hitler while we were on our weekend getaway with the kids a couple of weeks ago. Yes, the kids get choices but when it comes to some things it’s just not negotiable. I’m the adult. You are the child. I have no problem saying because I said so if need be. I’m very mature, lol. Seriously though, love the kids. Love being a parent. I want us to have fun (and we do) but more importantly I want them to grow up in a safe and loving environment AND I want them to have manners and be responsible. One of my nephews called me FAT while we were on our weekend trip. I was pissed. My sister mentioned that they “dealt with it” which in her mind was her explaining to him that that was not nice I guess. Yes, I get that and wold do the same with my kids BUT my kids would sure as hell have been apologizing for it, too. Her son did not apologize to me. He did not get any punishment for being rude to an adult or really anyone in general. I don’t want my kids rude to anyone. Things like that bug me. Anyway. Still haven’t decided about a pill today. I think I will take half. I feel really awkward. My head is swimming. I’d tell you what it feels like to me, but then I’d need to admit to past drug use, lol. Ok ok. It reminds me of how I felt when I was much younger and dumber and sometimes dabbled in coke. Not the soda. Like I’m very hyper aware but I’m kind of confused. Like I’m coming down off something. Oh and for you people who were much more responsible in your youth…. I could also compare it to being hopped up on diet pills. Fun huh?
Filed under: just life
Ugh. Pexeva/Paxil detox kind of blows. Yesterday I felt shitty. I took a pill and an aleve. By last night I felt somewhat normal. Today I’m not taking one. I feel sooo dizzy. By tomorrow I’m sure I’ll feel really bad. I’m tempted to just take nothing. I keep reading that that is just not recommended and will make your symptoms last longer. This just makes me angry. Antidepressants are medications currently given to addicts to help when they stop drugs and/or alcohol. I can’t imagine an addict trying to stop taking this stuff. I just think wow this sucks but it won’t last forever. I know others would just resign themselves to take it because it’s easier than not. Trying to decide if I want to cut a pill in half or maybe go three days in between. I’ll decide tomorrow I guess. A good thing that has come out of this is I finally started taking my vitamins again! Thought they might helo me feel better. We’ll see! Husband and I went to Logan’s today for lunch to celebrate my birthday that was yesterday. We also went to Walmart and I picked out a case for my camera. Maybe I won’t lose this one! I still miss my other. It was cute. This one is almost identical except it is black instead of white. This one is actual better simply because it is a newer model. Sooo, I gave this blog address to three people. Hi Jenn, Deej, and Tara. I suppose I’ll pass it out to a few more. Just do me a favor and don’t reference this on like my FB wall or anything. I really do not want my family members to find it. Most of them wouldn’t even know how to begin to find it, but my sister actually blogs (a coupon blog. so does my cousin) so I don’t feel like sharing some of this with them!
Filed under: just life
Okay, here goes. Let me update everyone. Well, all NONE of you that read. I’m loving my husband and my life. We have a few issues, but for the most part I am very, very happy. Tomorrow is my 31st birthday. Seems like a dream. That always seemed so old when I was growing up! It’s not exactly spring chicken now either, but it definitely doesn’t seem ancient anymore. In January I lost my job. I had been an employ of this company for four and one half years. Honestly, that is the longest I’ve ever worked anywhere. I miss it. The money was EXCELLENT and I worked less than 10 minutes from home. I had a TON of flexibility. Sure, I had to work the standard 8ish to 5ish (which I didn’t enjoy) but if I wanted a day off it was ok to ask even one day in advance. Kid sick and needed to leave? No problem. Occasionally bring the kid to work? That was okay, too. Now I am on unemployment like so many others in this country. Luckily for me my husband has a good job and he carries the very good health insurance on the family. Sooo, I quickly became a stay at home mom. Okay, an unemployed mom. I’ll likely go back to work. I’ve been applying to jobs of course but It simply doesn’t pay for me to take a job making less than about $16/hour because we would have to put the three kids back into after school care at a cost of $130/week during the school year. You don’t even want to know the cost during the summer months! People just aren’t hiring at $16 + an hour right now. Oh, and that would be a pay cut. Luckily we lived very frugally anyway and can afford to live off my husbands salary and unemployment until next perfect job comes along. BUT ya know what? Maybe it’s the upcoming birthday. Or tha fact that I just learned my mom’s biological mother in fact died of breast cancer at 29 and NOT bone cancer as I had always hears AND the fact that she’d had a hysterectomy by then…. but either way… I want a baby. Or two. I have a son from my first marriage. He is 10 1/2. My husband has two kids (that live with us) from his first marriage. He has a boy who is 9 and a girl who is 6 1/2. I want another. Maybe two more. I’ve always wanted a large family, but it just didn’t work out that way. My first husband and I divorced when my son was 5 months old. Never found anyone else worth marrying I suppose. My current husband and I have been married 18 months. I know in my last post I said sometimes I don’t know if we’ll make it. Well, I think we will. We really are very happy most of the time. Sure, we have our difference, but for the most part I am very, very happy. I think he is, too. I haven’t told him about my wanting a baby yet. Not sure how to bring that up… I have made a decision though. After consulting myself and Dr. Google I have decided to stop my antidepressants. I have taken something off and on since I was 16 or so. I’m just one of those people who sometimes needs extra help I guess. My issue is mostly anxiety and not depression. I’ve been taking something called Pexeva for close to three years. It has been my wonder drug!!! It is a derivative or Paxil. It is also NOT safe during pregnancy AT ALL. Some are assumed safe but this one is one that they tell you do not take at all! I’m also doing really good. The not working does a lot for the anxiety. I honestly haven’t had it in quite a while. Probably like a year. Anyway, I was wondering if I needed to wean off or if I could just quit like I have in the past with Zoloft and wellbutrin. Dr. Google and many other med sites recommend weaning. I already know my body is somewhat dependent because if I forget a dose I get dizzy. That’s one of the withdrawal symptoms. Simply by accident I forgot to take it Wednesday night. So I took Thursday mid morning. Have been slightly dizzy since. I’m going to go ahead and skip it today as well and take one midmorning tomorrow. The every other day approach and then stretching it out is recommended. I have also found tons of info (I know. It’s the internet…) on how badly addictive this med is and how bad the withdrawal symptoms are. I think I’ll be able to stop fairly quickly though. I quit smoking cigarettes like it was nothing. I just stopped. I didn’t crave. So hopefully this experience will be easy as well. If not I’ll go to my doc and see what we can do. I’ll let you know how it goes!
