Filed under: Uncategorized
I’d like a redo on this entire week. Actually, just as I was typing that an ice cream man pulled onto our street. This is about the second time this has happened in the 11 years I’ve lived here. I got excited and told the kids. They ran outside to stop him. In their excitement the front door was left open and the dumbass dog ran outside. Ugh. Then we had to chase him down the damn street. So. Pissed. Off. The kids are all YAY ice cream. and I’m like this blows and I just had to drag the dog out of an old lady’s yard and into the car and he slobbered on my coupon binder! Yeah, so that wasn’t even what I was going to talk about when I first started this. I’ve been with my family alot this week. Funerals and visitation are AWFUL but it seems I’m a pro at this. This makes funeral #5 in the last three years. That’s just family members. I also attended some of others I knew. So this proved to be an extremely difficult time to try and get off antidepressants. Especially ones that my body had apprently become dependent on. This morning I went to the dr and got my blood drawn so they can do a recheck of my cholesterol. I got it checked once before and it was 308. It was at a place that just gives physicals and that place opted against meds for me. I know! That’s a crazy high number. So I got that done. The dr office I go to fo that kind of stuff is also the place where my cousin works. My cousin that just lost her father. She was obviously not there. Pretty much everyone from her dr office was at the funeral. My cousin in 39. Right after high school she went to school to me a medical assistant and her first job after was with these same doctors. Only place she’s worked! When her mother died they shut down the dr office so everyone could come. They did the same this week for her daddy. Just typing it makes me cry because that is the sweetest thing ever. My old employer got annoyed that I was at ANOTHER funeral back in October. Good thing I no longer work there because it probably would have gotten ugly with me taking off again this week for another funeral. So anyway since I was at the doctor anyway I ask if I could be seen. I got there right as they opened and they weren’t busy so they got me right back. When the dr got in the room I was just sitting there crying. She didn’t realize I was a relative. Once she found out she understood why I was just crying. She was awesome. I was there 45 minutes. Drs never seem to have that much time. We talked about my attempt to quit pexeva. She said she had tried paxil once and it was awful. She also said given my current state today and all that has happened with the family both recently and just this week she didn’t thikn quittings meds all together at this time was the best choice for me. I agreed. But I told her i wasn’t taking the stuff i was on anymore! I’m back on Welbutrin. The generic of it but I don’t remember the name of it. It works differently than an SSRI (which for those non crazies out there means selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor). I took it when I was younger and it worked quite well. I also know that if/when I stop taking it I will not have these same issues of withdrawal. I came home and threw my Pexeva in the trash. Also, Wellbutrin is fine to take during pregnancy. SOme doctors may have you ween during the 3rd trimester but otherwise it is ok. So if we decide to go down that road I will not have to worry about the meds. I just wish my family was not dealing with this. My mom is a total wreck as to be expected. She’s still not over her parents loss and that was about two years ago. She was executor of the estate and her sister and other brother sued her and the brother that just died. Other sis and bro felt my mom and this brother shouldn’t get ANYTHING. My grandparents wills had it split equally 4 ways. Other sis and other bro LOST! That drug on for like a year. It was settled last fall. Then my aunt died and brought all the memories back for her. Then 5 months later her brother dies. I convinced her to see a therapist next week. I hope it helps. I’m also so concerned about my dad. I’m sure that had to be so traumatic and he was of course so upset that he couldn’t save him. Turns out my uncle was already dead when my dad got there. He arrived 13 min after my uncle called him. He called 911 but neither he nor the paramedics could revive him. They think it was a pulmonary embollism and for the most part if you have that and the clot breaks loose you just die. I’m still worried about my daddy though. He’s taking it hard. I’m also sick of crying. I told the dr I feel like I just can’t breathe. It’s tha anxiety.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I just had the most horrible night. I am still too upset/drained/shocked to get into to many details. My uncle died a few hours ago. It was a complete shock. My aunt/his wife died 5 months ago on 10/23/09. He called my dad and told him he wasn’t feeling well and could he come over and take him to the doctor. My dad got there 13 minutes later and my uncle was in such bad shape my dad immediately called 911 and started administering CPR. He didn’t make it.
Filed under: just life
I need a sign that says that today. I’m feeling my emotions come back. Didn’t realize they were gone. This morning 7th Heaven made me cry. Right now I’m cranky and keep snapping at one of the kids. In my defense he’s basically doing whatever the hell he feels like after being told not to do something. I cannot stand that. You are a child and SORRY but this house is not a democracy. You do as you’re told. Period. My sister called me Hitler while we were on our weekend getaway with the kids a couple of weeks ago. Yes, the kids get choices but when it comes to some things it’s just not negotiable. I’m the adult. You are the child. I have no problem saying because I said so if need be. I’m very mature, lol. Seriously though, love the kids. Love being a parent. I want us to have fun (and we do) but more importantly I want them to grow up in a safe and loving environment AND I want them to have manners and be responsible. One of my nephews called me FAT while we were on our weekend trip. I was pissed. My sister mentioned that they “dealt with it” which in her mind was her explaining to him that that was not nice I guess. Yes, I get that and wold do the same with my kids BUT my kids would sure as hell have been apologizing for it, too. Her son did not apologize to me. He did not get any punishment for being rude to an adult or really anyone in general. I don’t want my kids rude to anyone. Things like that bug me. Anyway. Still haven’t decided about a pill today. I think I will take half. I feel really awkward. My head is swimming. I’d tell you what it feels like to me, but then I’d need to admit to past drug use, lol. Ok ok. It reminds me of how I felt when I was much younger and dumber and sometimes dabbled in coke. Not the soda. Like I’m very hyper aware but I’m kind of confused. Like I’m coming down off something. Oh and for you people who were much more responsible in your youth…. I could also compare it to being hopped up on diet pills. Fun huh?
Filed under: just life
Ugh. Pexeva/Paxil detox kind of blows. Yesterday I felt shitty. I took a pill and an aleve. By last night I felt somewhat normal. Today I’m not taking one. I feel sooo dizzy. By tomorrow I’m sure I’ll feel really bad. I’m tempted to just take nothing. I keep reading that that is just not recommended and will make your symptoms last longer. This just makes me angry. Antidepressants are medications currently given to addicts to help when they stop drugs and/or alcohol. I can’t imagine an addict trying to stop taking this stuff. I just think wow this sucks but it won’t last forever. I know others would just resign themselves to take it because it’s easier than not. Trying to decide if I want to cut a pill in half or maybe go three days in between. I’ll decide tomorrow I guess. A good thing that has come out of this is I finally started taking my vitamins again! Thought they might helo me feel better. We’ll see! Husband and I went to Logan’s today for lunch to celebrate my birthday that was yesterday. We also went to Walmart and I picked out a case for my camera. Maybe I won’t lose this one! I still miss my other. It was cute. This one is almost identical except it is black instead of white. This one is actual better simply because it is a newer model. Sooo, I gave this blog address to three people. Hi Jenn, Deej, and Tara. I suppose I’ll pass it out to a few more. Just do me a favor and don’t reference this on like my FB wall or anything. I really do not want my family members to find it. Most of them wouldn’t even know how to begin to find it, but my sister actually blogs (a coupon blog. so does my cousin) so I don’t feel like sharing some of this with them!
Filed under: just life
Okay, here goes. Let me update everyone. Well, all NONE of you that read. I’m loving my husband and my life. We have a few issues, but for the most part I am very, very happy. Tomorrow is my 31st birthday. Seems like a dream. That always seemed so old when I was growing up! It’s not exactly spring chicken now either, but it definitely doesn’t seem ancient anymore. In January I lost my job. I had been an employ of this company for four and one half years. Honestly, that is the longest I’ve ever worked anywhere. I miss it. The money was EXCELLENT and I worked less than 10 minutes from home. I had a TON of flexibility. Sure, I had to work the standard 8ish to 5ish (which I didn’t enjoy) but if I wanted a day off it was ok to ask even one day in advance. Kid sick and needed to leave? No problem. Occasionally bring the kid to work? That was okay, too. Now I am on unemployment like so many others in this country. Luckily for me my husband has a good job and he carries the very good health insurance on the family. Sooo, I quickly became a stay at home mom. Okay, an unemployed mom. I’ll likely go back to work. I’ve been applying to jobs of course but It simply doesn’t pay for me to take a job making less than about $16/hour because we would have to put the three kids back into after school care at a cost of $130/week during the school year. You don’t even want to know the cost during the summer months! People just aren’t hiring at $16 + an hour right now. Oh, and that would be a pay cut. Luckily we lived very frugally anyway and can afford to live off my husbands salary and unemployment until next perfect job comes along. BUT ya know what? Maybe it’s the upcoming birthday. Or tha fact that I just learned my mom’s biological mother in fact died of breast cancer at 29 and NOT bone cancer as I had always hears AND the fact that she’d had a hysterectomy by then…. but either way… I want a baby. Or two. I have a son from my first marriage. He is 10 1/2. My husband has two kids (that live with us) from his first marriage. He has a boy who is 9 and a girl who is 6 1/2. I want another. Maybe two more. I’ve always wanted a large family, but it just didn’t work out that way. My first husband and I divorced when my son was 5 months old. Never found anyone else worth marrying I suppose. My current husband and I have been married 18 months. I know in my last post I said sometimes I don’t know if we’ll make it. Well, I think we will. We really are very happy most of the time. Sure, we have our difference, but for the most part I am very, very happy. I think he is, too. I haven’t told him about my wanting a baby yet. Not sure how to bring that up… I have made a decision though. After consulting myself and Dr. Google I have decided to stop my antidepressants. I have taken something off and on since I was 16 or so. I’m just one of those people who sometimes needs extra help I guess. My issue is mostly anxiety and not depression. I’ve been taking something called Pexeva for close to three years. It has been my wonder drug!!! It is a derivative or Paxil. It is also NOT safe during pregnancy AT ALL. Some are assumed safe but this one is one that they tell you do not take at all! I’m also doing really good. The not working does a lot for the anxiety. I honestly haven’t had it in quite a while. Probably like a year. Anyway, I was wondering if I needed to wean off or if I could just quit like I have in the past with Zoloft and wellbutrin. Dr. Google and many other med sites recommend weaning. I already know my body is somewhat dependent because if I forget a dose I get dizzy. That’s one of the withdrawal symptoms. Simply by accident I forgot to take it Wednesday night. So I took Thursday mid morning. Have been slightly dizzy since. I’m going to go ahead and skip it today as well and take one midmorning tomorrow. The every other day approach and then stretching it out is recommended. I have also found tons of info (I know. It’s the internet…) on how badly addictive this med is and how bad the withdrawal symptoms are. I think I’ll be able to stop fairly quickly though. I quit smoking cigarettes like it was nothing. I just stopped. I didn’t crave. So hopefully this experience will be easy as well. If not I’ll go to my doc and see what we can do. I’ll let you know how it goes!
