Desperately Seeking Something

19 days.  It could be worse.  So that day that I last posted I talked about being overwhelmed and having practice at 5 and all that and wondering if Brady would get home before then.  The short answer is NO!  Long answer?  Around 5:30 he called and waned to know what I was doing and I told him that we were all at practice.  I ask when he got home to which he replied he wasn’t home yet.  He was at his mom’s house.  I told him that must be nice!  He was all what does that mean and I told him (nicely!  I swear!) that I would just really appreciate some help with ball.  He tried to say he wouldn’t have been able to get them there on time anyway.  I told him that yes he could.  We went back and forth a few times and then I said yeah if you come straight home from work you have plenty of time.  He gets pissed and says why should he rush home from work to take them to practice because what have I been doing all day anyway??  I told him fuck off and hung up.  I then texted him and told him I’d done EVERYTHING that day.  Same as everyday.  If it gets done I do it except for stuff with his stupid dog and cutting the grass and taking out the trash.  Those are the things he does and the grass cutting just started maybe 4 weeks ago so when we had that conversation he had cut the grass maybe once this year if that.  He texts me back that he thinks that is funny.  Then he texts me that poor me I have it so bad.  Of course later that night when we’re all home he is in bed sleeping and ignoring me so I cooked dinner for the kids and just ignored him.  He texts the next day wanting to know what time the baseball game was.  Even though I didn’t want to I told him.  He tried texting me some more but I ignored him and he replied that he guesses I’ll be in an ill mood that night.  Damn right.  We ignored each other that night, too.  The next day he called me complaining about the person he took the lawn mower to a few days before.  So NO actually he’d not yet cut the grass because it was getting fixed where he broke it in the fall.  He mentions taking it somewhere else and I really don’t care.  So around noon I’m in the bedroom in just a towel laying on bed watching tv.  No one was home so I hadn’t gotten dressed after my shower.  He shows up.  Scares me to death when I hear someone open the front door!  I ask him what he was doing home and the fight began.  I basically told him I hated him and he was a useless husband and crappy father that ignores his kids and has me do everything but then doesn’t want me even making decisions about them.  We’ve pretty much been fighting for almost 3 weeks.  I was telling Danielle about this and she ask me what I did like about him and I couldn’t come up with anything.  I still can’t.  Geez.  I swear I could type for hours.  There’s so much to say.  I’m just starting to wonder (again) what the hell I was thinking when I married him.  It’s a regret.  We attempted to talk a few nights ago and that was brought up.  He said that hurts him to know but it is the truth.  I want out.  I’m not going to be impulsive about this.  I want to make sure I’m making the right decision.  I’m sick of it though.  Unless we avoid any heavy conversation we fight.  We get along when we just discuss our day and monotonous crap like that.  anything to do with our relationship and where it’s going ends up in a fight.  When past things are brought up because he has yet to resolve things with me it turns into a fight.  If his ex wife is brought up it is a HUGE fight.  It just feels like 1 1/2 years of anger and resentment are coming out.  He says he doesn’t understand because I was happy a month ago.  I guess overall I was.  Didn’t have to work.  (even though that wasn’t a choice) Can pick up t he kids from school and keep my house clean and go to the gym regularly and things I enjoy doing and I love ball season so that helps.  But when I looked at the big picture, this is not the life I want.  I feel like I’ve wasted two years.  He’s just irresponsible.  Last Sunday I was gone most of the day.  I went to visitation at the funeral home here (yes.  another death.) and then hung out with my sister.  I decided on purpose to not go home until after 6pm because that is the time his ex wife brings home his kids.  I just wondered if he could handle a simple task.  A few minutes after 6 the phone rang!  She was at our house with the kids and they were pounding on the door.  No answer!  The truck and motorcycle were there which meant he was in the back of the house with the TV and the stupid fan on sleeping.  He lost his phone the night before so the service was suspended at that time so she called me not knowing what to do.  I offered to come home but she said she’d just drop them to me at my sister’s because it was on the way to where she was going.  I waited till 7 to go home with HIS kids.  Hoping he was wondering where they were.  I get there and he’s not even home.  He’d went to taco bell.  Didn’t even know what had happened.  I tell him that he was sleeping good and his kids were pounding on the door and couldn’t get in.  He seemed irritated then because he looked bad I’m sure.  He said he was sleeping but he thought I’d be home by then.  Blaming me for his screw up.  Always an excuse.  Always someone else’s fault.  Never takes responsibility for anything.  He took Chloe to a birthday party today.  He didn’t want to, but I told him if he didn’t take her she didn’t get to go because I wasn’t doing it.  It’s time to get my life back.  I feel bad for his kids but I can’t be unhappy to make them happy.  They have two parents and that is their job.

Soooo, it’s been a week.  Not to bad for a novice blogger.  I’m feeling much, much better.  This is day seven of the wellbutrin and it is helping immensely.  One fun side effect is weight loss.  Nice considering a side effect of the other med I was on was weight gain.  I’ve lost 4 pounds.  50 more to go.  At least 30.  50 would be great.  70 would be back to high school weight.  Baby steps!  I don’t think I want high school weight anyway.  My doctor’s office called and I got the bad number I was expecting with my cholesterol.  It’s 306.  I know!  Horrible!  Last summer when it was checked it was 308.  I immediately quit smoking.  I knew my body didn’t need both of those.  Last summer’s number was at a place called Life Signs that only does physicals.  Cool place.  Because of that my doctor’s office did not know about the bad number until I confessed.  Then I still waited 3 more months after telling them to get it rechecked.  Soo, my doctor has given me three months to lose some weight and get this cholesterol at least somewhat lower.  If I’ve made no progress she said she’s putting me on a med and I don’t want that!  Starting Monday I guess I’ll start using my gym membership.  This week I was babysitting a 4-year-old during the day so that kind of made it impossible.  Monday it is.  I *must* stick to this.  Time to get healthy!  At least healthier.

I need a sign that says that today.  I’m feeling my emotions come back.  Didn’t realize they were gone.  This morning 7th Heaven made me cry.  Right now I’m cranky and keep snapping at one of the kids.  In my defense he’s basically doing whatever the hell he feels like after being told not to do something.  I cannot stand that.  You are a child and SORRY but this house is not a democracy.  You do as you’re told.  Period.  My sister called me Hitler while we were on our weekend getaway with the kids a couple of weeks ago.  Yes, the kids get choices but when it comes to some things it’s just not negotiable.  I’m the adult.  You are the child.  I have no problem saying because I said so if need be.  I’m very mature, lol.  Seriously though, love the kids.  Love being a parent.  I want us to have fun (and we do) but more importantly I want them to grow up in a safe and loving environment AND I want them to have manners and be responsible.  One of my nephews called me FAT while we were on our weekend trip.  I was pissed.  My sister mentioned that they “dealt with it” which in her mind was her explaining to him that that was not nice I guess.  Yes, I get that and wold do the same with my kids BUT my kids would sure as hell have been apologizing for it, too.  Her son did not apologize to me.  He did not get any punishment for being rude to an adult or really anyone in general.  I don’t want my kids rude to anyone.  Things like that bug me.  Anyway.  Still haven’t decided about a pill today.  I think I will take half.  I feel really awkward.  My head is swimming.  I’d tell you what it feels like to me, but then I’d need to admit to past drug use, lol.  Ok ok.  It reminds me of how I felt when I was much younger and dumber and sometimes dabbled in coke.  Not the soda.  Like I’m very hyper aware but I’m kind of confused.  Like I’m coming down off something.  Oh and for you people who were much more responsible in your youth…. I could also compare it to being hopped up on diet pills.  Fun huh?

Ugh.  Pexeva/Paxil detox kind of blows.  Yesterday I felt shitty.  I took a pill and an aleve.  By last night I felt somewhat normal.  Today I’m not taking one.  I feel sooo dizzy.  By tomorrow I’m sure I’ll feel really bad.  I’m tempted to just take nothing.  I keep reading that that is just not recommended and will make your symptoms last longer.  This just makes me angry.  Antidepressants are medications currently given to addicts to help when they stop drugs and/or alcohol.  I can’t imagine an addict trying to stop taking this stuff.  I just think wow this sucks but it won’t last forever.  I know others would just resign themselves to take it because it’s easier than not.  Trying to decide if I want to cut a pill in half or maybe go three days in between.  I’ll decide tomorrow I guess.  A good thing that has come out of this is I finally started taking my vitamins again!  Thought they might helo me feel better.  We’ll see!  Husband and I went to Logan’s today for lunch to celebrate my birthday that was yesterday.  We also went to Walmart and I picked out a case for my camera.  Maybe I won’t lose this one!  I still miss my other.  It was cute.  This one is almost identical except it is black instead of white.  This one is actual better simply because it is a newer model.  Sooo, I gave this blog address to three people.  Hi Jenn, Deej, and Tara.  I suppose I’ll pass it out to a few more.  Just do me a favor and don’t reference this on like my FB wall or anything.  I really do not want my family members to find it.  Most of them wouldn’t even know how to begin to find it, but my sister actually blogs (a coupon blog.  so does my cousin) so I don’t feel like sharing some of this with them!

Okay, here goes.  Let me update everyone.  Well, all NONE of you that read.  I’m loving my husband and my life.  We have a few issues, but for the most part I am very, very happy.  Tomorrow is my 31st birthday.  Seems like a dream.  That always seemed so old when I was growing up!  It’s not exactly spring chicken now either, but it definitely doesn’t seem ancient anymore.  In January I lost my job.  I had been an employ of this company for four and one half years.  Honestly, that is the longest I’ve ever worked anywhere.  I miss it.  The money was EXCELLENT and I worked less than 10 minutes from home.  I had a TON of flexibility.  Sure, I had to work the standard 8ish to 5ish (which I didn’t enjoy) but if I wanted a day off it was ok to ask even one day in advance.  Kid sick and needed to leave?  No problem.  Occasionally bring the kid to work?  That was okay, too.  Now I am on unemployment like so many others in this country.  Luckily for me my husband has a good job and he carries the very good health insurance on the family.  Sooo, I quickly became a stay at home mom.  Okay, an unemployed mom.  I’ll likely go back to work.  I’ve been applying to jobs of course but It simply doesn’t pay for me to take a job making less than about $16/hour because we would have to put the three kids back into after school care at a cost of $130/week during the school year.  You don’t even want to know the cost during the summer months!  People just aren’t hiring at $16 + an hour right now.  Oh, and that would be a pay cut.  Luckily we lived very frugally anyway and can afford to live off my husbands salary and unemployment until next perfect job comes along.  BUT ya know what?  Maybe it’s the upcoming birthday.  Or tha fact that I just learned my mom’s biological mother in fact died of breast cancer at 29 and NOT bone cancer as I had always hears AND the fact that she’d had a hysterectomy by then…. but either way… I want a baby.  Or two.  I have a son from my first marriage.  He is 10 1/2.  My husband has two kids (that live with us) from his first marriage.  He has a boy who is 9 and a girl who is 6 1/2.  I want another.  Maybe two more.  I’ve always wanted a large family, but it just didn’t work out that way.  My first husband and I divorced when my son was 5 months old.  Never found anyone else worth marrying I suppose.  My current husband and I have been married 18 months.  I know in my last post I said sometimes I don’t know if we’ll make it.  Well, I think we will.  We really are very happy most of the time.  Sure, we have our difference, but for the most part I am very, very happy.  I think he is, too.  I haven’t told him about my wanting a baby yet.  Not sure how to bring that up…  I have made a decision though.  After consulting myself and Dr. Google I have decided to stop my antidepressants.  I have taken something off and on since I was 16 or so.  I’m just one of those people who sometimes needs extra help I guess.  My issue is mostly anxiety and not depression.  I’ve been taking something called Pexeva for close to three years.  It has been my wonder drug!!!  It is a derivative or Paxil.  It is also NOT safe during pregnancy AT ALL.  Some are assumed safe but this one is one that they tell you do not take at all!  I’m also doing really good.  The not working does a lot for the anxiety.  I honestly haven’t had it in quite a while.  Probably like a year.  Anyway, I was wondering if I needed to wean off or if I could just quit like I have in the past with Zoloft and wellbutrin.  Dr. Google and many other med sites recommend weaning.  I already know my body is somewhat dependent because if I forget a dose I get dizzy.  That’s one of the withdrawal symptoms.  Simply by accident I forgot to take it Wednesday night.  So I took Thursday mid morning.  Have been slightly dizzy since.  I’m going to go ahead and skip it today as well and take one midmorning tomorrow.  The every other day approach and then stretching it out is recommended.  I have also found tons of info (I know.  It’s the internet…) on how badly addictive this med is and how bad the withdrawal symptoms are.  I think I’ll be able to stop fairly quickly though.  I quit smoking cigarettes like it was nothing.  I just stopped.  I didn’t crave.  So hopefully this experience will be easy as well.  If not I’ll go to my doc and see what we can do.  I’ll let you know how it goes!

So, it’s been a really long time.  No more egg donation.  Barely got started.  Guess they didn’t like me.  They did say I should probably lose weight.  Never heard from them again.  Met a guy.  Got married.  Have two wonderful step children in addition to my own son.  Love them all so much.  Marriage is hard.  Really hard.  Some days I don’t think we’ll make it.  Some days I don’t even want to.  All this time and I’m still searching for something.  Didn’t expect that.  I guess I should start actually using this blog.  Pre New Year’s resolution and all that.

but I don’t want to say NOTHING.  Maybe one day I will be interesting enough to update DAILY!  Maybe?  Who knows.  So, today was interesting.  We turned in my son’s science fair project one day early.  Can I just mention that I do NOT enjoy science projects and stuff like that for third graders?  Isn’t that just parent homework?  Yeah, I think so.  Anyway, it was due tomorrow, but we got it finished up yesterday so we went ahead and took it in.  Glad to have it done.  We were supposed to have a baseball scrimmage tonight.  I LOVE baseball season.  Love it!  It was freezing today.  The weather was so nice at the end of last week and then today it was 32 in the morning and never got above 40-ish.  Scrimmage was canceled due to cold.  I’m glas about that though because we have another tomorrow and probablay a practice.  Opening day is Saturday and I’m excited.  He’s such a good baseball player.  The coach has been trying him out on the pitchers mound.  In 7-8 it is still coach pitch, but we still need a pitcher.  5 days until opening season!