Desperately Seeking Something

So, it seems I’m slowly feeling like myself again. Going out and getting a little crazy and basically having a good time. Friday night I went for Mexican, got something pierced, and then went roller skating! So fun! The piercing is something I used to have done but the soon to be ex-husband hated it and I took it out. He sucks! After all that fun I went to a bar and net my cousin and one if her friends. She was there with her ex-husband as well so I had to go be her backup haha. The next day me and the same cousin went to lunch. After lunch was shopping and eyebrow waxes. That night we went to Arrow. It’s a male strip club!! Only one in TN. Aside from the cover charge I only spent $1 lol. Didn’t plan to spend that one but my cousin handed it to me because some guy had walked up and started dancing on me and I guess she felt he needed a little something! Pretty fun weekend.

Well, I did it.  On May 1st I kicked out Brady.  Things have steadily gotten better.  I planned to do it at the end of May, but I couldn’t take it anymore.  I was going to wait so that the school year could end, baseball and softball would be done, and Chloe would be finished with dance.  It just didn’t work that way!!  My last post was April 25th and you could tell just how over it I was.  On April 30th, a Friday, Brady and I went out separately which never happens.  He said he was going to the movies with a coworker and did invite me, but there was no way in hell I was going to do that.  I went and saw Vanessa instead.  Missed her!  She could tell how miserable I will.  Told me I just wasn’t myself.  I ended up staying at her house until around midnight.  I figured Brady would be home and pissed off that I wasn’t there.  Nope!  I got home and he was nowhere to be found.  I heard him come in around 1am and get on the couch, but he never spoke to me.  The next morning I got up early because it was the paper show for the Shriner’s and I wanted to meet my family at the lodge for the pancakes and to help out.  It was raining.  Pouring actually!  This was the beginning of the Nashville floods.  He was an ass when I left for the lodge.  I wasn’t gone too long because we couldn’t really do the paper sale because of the rain.  When I got back home we got into a HUGE fight.  I don’t really remember why.  I think it had something to do with the fact that he was still asleep at 10:30.  There was something he was supposed to do, but honestly can no longer remember what it is.  I launched into a rant about how much I couldn’t stand him.  He yelled and told me to do something about it.  Daring me.  So I did.  I told him to get the fuck out.  Immediately!  He argued that I had to let him stay until he found another place.  I told him he was insane.  Anyway, lots of screaming and such and then he left.  He’s been gone since!  I went to my sister’s the next morning because my street was starting to flood and I didn’t want to be stuck here.  He did contact me that Sunday and I told him the road was flooding and he couldn’t get home.  By Thursday I changed the locks.  The month of May sucked because I was coaching Chloe’s softball team and BJ and Mason were on the same baseball team.  Also, Chloe had dance.  It was all worked out mostly between myself and his ex wife Jenny.  She and I have actually gotten really close because of this.  She is currently going for custody again and I really hope she gets it.  She needs those kids and they need her.  Brady sucks.  He signed the divorce papers pretty easily and it is supposed to be final on September 27th.  48 more days!!!  Also, I got a new job.  I’m on my second week so far.  I like it I guess.  The pay is not that great.  Also, it’s really easy.  I know that sounds like a good thing but I’m pretty bored.  Feeling kind of unfulfilled.  I’m just thrilled to have work though.  Things are falling together.  I have a new job with great benefits.  I’ll soon be divorced.  I have an AMAZING 11 year old.  Things are actually pretty good.   Sooooo, that was a pretty big update.  Maybe I’ll get back here before another 3.5 months?  Oh!  Completely off the antidepressants!  yay me!  Once the crazy husband was gone I no longer needed.  Yay!  So now I’m just taking the birth control pills and the vitamins.  Both of which I pretty much forget all the flippin’ time.  Took two birth control pills a couple of hours ago.  I need that head slapping smiley!!  Also, I’ve lost about 25 pounds and lowered my cholesterol 33 points.  Yay me!  Now!  I need to get down 75 more points and lose another 20 to 40 pounds.  Big range huh?  We’ll just see how motivated I am I guess.  20 would make me very happy.  If I wanted to go for 50 I could be high school size, lol.  I think that’s a little ambitious.  Wonder if any of you still check this?  Probably not but I don’t blame you.  It’s been months!  Sorry!

I know.  I sort of do this to myself.  Of course I expected my husband to be more helpful during ball season.  We had a softball game last night (Monday).  It was Chloe’s first game and I have to go to softball games because I help coach.  Mason was at his dad’s and he was going to be at cub scouts.  BJ had scouts we thought so Brady was taking him.  So, just me and Chloe sounded doable.  Turns out scouts were put off until tonight (Tuesday) so Brady and BJ did show up to the game for a while.  Tonight (Tuesday) we are supposed to have baseball practice at 5pm.  The practice is going to be behind the tennis courts which means we don’t have to wrap up at any certain time so the coach will likely keep us there for two hours or longer.  It’s usually about 7:15 when he wraps up those practices.  Both boys are on that team.  BJ is supposed to have cub scouts, too so not sure what we’ll do about that.  We skip scouts for games, but this team seriously practices 3 times a week or more if they can so we don’t worry about an occasional missed practice.  I think They’ve probably had at least 15 practices in the last month or so.  The softball team has had 3 practices and two scrimmages.  That’s it!  That’s more normal but whatever.  All three kids are home tonight.  Brady won’t get home until almost 5.  He could get here around 4:40 but he usually drags and I think he does it on purpose sometimes.  Like tonight I’m betting he will wait till later hoping that I had already left for practice with all the kids and then he’ll come home and decide that it is pointless for him to be at practice, too, so he’ll be at home alone.  He’ll make dinner (maybe) if I ask.  He’s been to only 2 practices and did come and relieve me from one because I had to get to the other field for a practice so he was at practice maybe 15 minutes that night.  Then tomorrow (wednesday) we have a make up baseball game at 6.  The coaches want the kids ther at 5:15 to practice for 45 minutes before the hour and a half game.  We’re not going that early.  Thirsday is a 6pm baseball game and the coaches want the kids there at 5:15.  Friday night we have a softball game at 6pm and we will need to be about 15 or 20 minutes early.  Saturday both teams have a game at 1:15.  I HAVE to be at the softball game to be in the dugout so I can’t go to the baseball game.  There are only 4 games out of around 20 that are at the same time so not so bad.  So, I need to have kids at two different places at the same time.  I have a feeling Brady is not going to want to go to either game because it would be cutting it too close getting to the racetrack.  Games wouldn’t be over until around 2:45 and the racetrack gates open at 3 and he wants to be there at the beginning to get enout time trials and blah blah blah.  He drag races.  He’ll probably go even if he has to be a little late.  He doesn’t get home till after midnight when he goes to the racetrack.  So after all the time at the park juggling the three kids at two games (luckily the two boys are on the same team) then I will go home and be with them alone.  I need some help.  If I ask I think he will begrudgingly do it, but why the hell do I have to ask??  Does he think that since I’m not working I can do 50 things at once at night?

I’d like a redo on this entire week.  Actually, just as I was typing that an ice cream man pulled onto our street.  This is about the second time this has happened in the 11 years I’ve lived here.  I got excited and told the kids.  They ran outside to stop him.  In their excitement the front door was left open and the dumbass dog ran outside.  Ugh.  Then we had to chase him down the damn street.  So. Pissed. Off.  The kids are all YAY ice cream.  and I’m like this blows and I just had to drag the dog out of an old lady’s yard and into the car and he slobbered on my coupon binder!  Yeah, so that wasn’t even what I was going to talk about when I first started this.  I’ve been with my family alot this week.  Funerals and visitation are AWFUL but it seems I’m a pro at this.  This makes funeral #5 in the last three years.  That’s just family members.  I also attended some of others I knew.  So this proved to be an extremely difficult time to try and get off antidepressants.  Especially ones that my body had apprently become dependent on.  This morning I went to the dr and got my blood drawn so they can do a recheck of my cholesterol.  I got it checked once before and it was 308.  It was at a place that just gives physicals and that place opted against meds for me.  I know!  That’s a crazy high number.  So I got that done.  The dr office I go to fo that kind of stuff is also the place where my cousin works.  My cousin that just lost her father.  She was obviously not there.  Pretty much everyone from her dr office was at the funeral.  My cousin in 39.  Right after high school she went to school to me a medical assistant and her first job after was with these same doctors.  Only place she’s worked!  When her mother died they shut down the dr office so everyone could come.  They did the same this week for her daddy.  Just typing it makes me cry because that is the sweetest thing ever.  My old employer got annoyed that I was at ANOTHER funeral back in October.  Good thing I no longer work there because it probably would have gotten ugly with me taking off again this week for another funeral.  So anyway since I was at the doctor anyway I ask if I could be seen.  I got there right as they opened and they weren’t busy so they got me right back.  When the dr got in the room I was just sitting there crying.  She didn’t realize I was a relative.  Once she found out she understood why I was just crying.  She was awesome.  I was there 45 minutes.  Drs never seem to have that much time.  We talked about my attempt to quit pexeva.  She said she had tried paxil once and it was awful.  She also said given my current state today and all that has happened with the family both recently and just this week she didn’t thikn quittings meds all together at this time was the best choice for me.  I agreed.  But I told her i wasn’t taking the stuff i was on anymore!  I’m back on Welbutrin.  The generic of it but I don’t remember the name of it.  It works differently than an SSRI (which for those non crazies out there means selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor).  I took it when I was younger and it worked quite well.  I also know that if/when I stop taking it I will not have these same issues of withdrawal.  I came home and threw my Pexeva in the trash.  Also, Wellbutrin is fine to take during pregnancy.  SOme doctors may have you ween during the 3rd trimester but otherwise it is ok.  So if we decide to go down that road I will not have to worry about the meds.  I just wish my family was not dealing with this.  My mom is a total wreck as to be expected.  She’s still not over her parents loss and that was about two years ago.  She was executor of the estate and her sister and other brother sued her and the brother that just died.  Other sis and bro felt my mom and this brother shouldn’t get ANYTHING.  My grandparents wills had it split equally 4 ways.  Other sis and other bro LOST!  That drug on for like a year.  It was settled last fall.  Then my aunt died and brought all the memories back for her.  Then 5 months later her brother dies.  I convinced her to see a therapist next week.  I hope it helps.  I’m also so concerned about my dad.  I’m sure that had to be so traumatic and he was of course so upset that he couldn’t save him.  Turns out my uncle was already dead when my dad got there.  He arrived 13 min after my uncle called him.  He called 911 but neither he nor the paramedics could revive him.  They think it was a pulmonary embollism and for the most part if you have that and the clot breaks loose you just die.  I’m still worried about my daddy though.  He’s taking it hard.  I’m also sick of crying.  I told the dr I feel like I just can’t breathe.  It’s tha anxiety.

I just had the most horrible night.  I am still too upset/drained/shocked to get into to many details.  My uncle died a few hours ago.  It was a complete shock.  My aunt/his wife died 5 months ago on 10/23/09.  He called my dad and told him he wasn’t feeling well and could he come over and take him to the doctor.  My dad got there 13 minutes later and my uncle was in such bad shape my dad immediately called 911 and started administering CPR.  He didn’t make it.